I HATE waiting. I have never been blessed with an abundance of patience. There are some notable exceptions to this rule, for me. I have patience with dogs and kids because i know that it’s my responsibility to achieve the outcome I’m seeking. But waiting for for things that are utterly out of my control is a tax on me. Like lab work. Waiting for deployment to pass. The time that ticks away from ordering til the Amazon truck stops in front of my house… unbearable. There are so very many lessons this path has taught me. Some of those lessons i don’t even realize I’m learning until that very realization crashes on top of me. Maybe “patience” isn’t the right word for the virtue I’ve acquired. But, when Dr. Brezina’s office called today, i almost missed it. For the first time, i wasn’t glued to my phone waiting for that call after my lab work today. I think part of my willingness to let go comes from the constant mantra of “this can still be cancelled with one bad lab”. While we had a tentative date from the get-go, it was never solid unless my body cooperated. The other part is hard, hard work. No one tells you how hard it is to let go of things you can’t control. Especially when you have to let the control of something deep in your genes and dna and womanhood that you celestially KNOW you should be able to control.. go. But today, that tentative plan is solid.
We have a date! So, disclaimer. I know i share everything. Like, EVERYTHING. But before i start listing all of these vital dates, please be kind. I don’t know what the future holds and I’m so glad each one of you are part of my story and my life, and that means you have a great responsibility to be kind to me as we go through these motions. That means, specifically, this is not an invitation to text me every day and ask me if it’s worked, if I’m pregnant or if it’s twins. I love this blog and i love sharing every detail and i promise i will as i am able. I love to receive your messages of well wishes and asking how I’m doing, always. No restrictions. And i promise that when Tim and i are ready, we will share everything. Heartwarming or heartbreaking. In due time.
We still have a lot of hills to climb before we are on top of the mountain BUT we have a transfer date! My uterine lining is <chefs kiss> perfection. And my estrogen level is on point! The Monday after Easter we will get to plant a new life. AND, Tim gets to go with me!! I’m not sure yet that he will be let in the building, but it will be such a comfort that he will not be working and that he will be mere meters away from me! Mark that as a very first in our IVF life! I am also very stressed. Not sure if you read the whole thing, but just peep that med list. The mental load of executing those instructions correctly is heavy. And that’s not even taking into consideration the worry of what kind of havoc allllll of those meds will wreak on my body. I was a little overwhelmed driving home thinking about all of the things i will have to remember starting tomorrow. It was overwhelming. And, like everything else, it’s a process. Tim helped me remember that it’s no more than what i had to keep straight the last time. If you take into account my master IVF spreadsheet from last time, it’s really a whole lot less. That spreadsheet was epic. I’ll have to share it one day!
Everyone in my house could feel my state of overwhelm. But, they knew it would be really hard to hold on to that feeling if they all piled on top of me and literally covered me in their relaxation. Yet again, I’ll do the hard work of letting go of my tight fist of control. I’ll remind myself that i have done everything that i can and from this point forward i need to give it up to a higher power. Because, while a lot of women can choose when to have kids and choose the right time to start their family, at the end of the day, it’s not me or that woman in control of the outcome. At the end of the day, it’s fear that fuels that need for control and I’m ready to be free from fear. Of whatever lies ahead.
Of course, I’m sure my heart will still be racing when Tim comes at me with that needle of progesterone tomorrow night and it won’t be excitement, i can assure you! Thankfully, i will have some relief from my fear because our good friend (and rebel’s mom) has graciously agreed to give both Tim and me a refresher on her last lesson on injections. Thank you, Kim!!! I promise to update you with how the meds are going this weekend.
Some non-IVF related things that help me let go and refocus since my last update:
So, we are practicing letting go. I’ll never be perfect, but I’ll never stop working at it either.
See you guys this weekend!