Happy 7 week update! Yesterday, i got to see our growing baby. And growing, they are! We have doubled in size since last week. And that heart is just a-pumping away at 148 beats per minute. This week, we are the size of a blueberry. As soon as the ultrasound tech found our little nugget, she said “oh wow! We are long!”. I died. I laughed and explained that both myself and my husband are 5’5”, so either baby is blessed or it won’t last long. This week, our eyes and ears are forming, nostrils are forming and there is a little nose bump starting to show (though since this baby is biologically mine and tim’s, that nose bump will probably start and remain prominent – sorry baby! Neither one of us is helping you there). our arms and legs are little buds of cartilage right now, but bones will be forming soon. We still have a tail, but that will soon disappear.
I have had so many people guessing the sex of this baby already. I think, so far it’s pretty spilt down the middle of who thinks we are having a boy and who thinks we are having a girl. Of course, Tim is dead set on a boy. And i am thrilled to welcome either a boy or a girl. I’ve had a few people say “of course you don’t have a preference, as long as they are healthy!” And i wanted to address that. I always respond “as long as they are happy”. I know so many people who welcome babies into the world who don’t come out “healthy”, who have a few setbacks at the start of their life. I know because we chose to do IVF our risks are a little higher than normal. I also know those babies i have met are happy and loved. And that’s the only thing that i truly hope for. That i love and cherish and make happy whatever we are privileged enough to welcome into this world. Whatever happens, boy or girl or healthy or not, i hope that baby is happy and cared for to the best of my ability.
Me update. I. Am. Tired. I am so tired. I can barely get home, get the dogs taken care of and change out of my work clothes before i fall asleep sitting up. Tim usually wakes me up for my still intensive med routine, and then i go back to sleep. However, i have noticed that i have been waking up earlier and have been less reliant upon my snooze button, which is strange for me. I LOVE the snooze button.
My injection sites are getting less and less tolerant and are rebounding more slowly. My hips are always painful now. I did get advice from Dr. Brezina regarding when i can backoff my med schedule. i thought o would be relieved, but honestly, when he mentioned it my first reaction was apprehension. These meds have gotten me here and have been sustaining this pregnancy. Luckily i have a few more weeks to continue them but i am worried how ill react when i ease off them. They are such a security blanket even if i complain about it constantly. Today, when we consulted, he stopped and said “are you ok?”. Bless this man. Even through a mask he is intuitive. I was kind of taken aback and had a hard time responding. I finally mustered “i just have so much anxiety”. And it’s true. We are sooooo young in this pregnancy. Without really realizing, i wake up and navigate through each day with so much fear. We have been through so much and i truly thought this day would never come. There were so many days that i convinced myself this would never be our reality. After fully furnishing a nursery, to tearing it all down and giving all baby related things away after heartbreak, i always had this ideal that i thought would never be realized. It’s a strange sort of imposter syndrome. I don’t feel like it’s real sometimes. And then at the same time, i feel like if all of my energy isn’t dedicated to doing everything i can at every moment to make this work, it’ll fail and it’ll be my fault. So much guilt for working or eating the French fries or not meal prepping or taking medication for nausea (you should be happy to throw up, apparently!) am i having enough symptoms, is it just the meds… It’s just a mind trip. And it’s a heavy weight. It’s all on me! I joked that our most expensive asset right now is my uterus, but it’s not really a joke. It’s true. And i reality, there’s not much i can actually do to guarantee this is successful. And it is SO HARD. I try to calm and focus or push the feeling aside, but the anxiety and fear is there. What if i have to tell you one week there is no more fluttering heartbeat? My mind is a million places at once. And I’m scared of the dark place i inhabited after our first failure. The only thing that will cure me is time and kindness. I am thankful we will get weekly updates for now. I know that won’t last for the next 33 weeks. I am trying hard to let go, to believe in myself and to give this fear away to a higher power. In the meantime, I’m sorry if i am irritable, short or distracted. I have a lot going on in this head. But I’m getting through it.
Food is still weird. I haven’t had any cravings, but i tend to only be able to tolerate salty and sour foods. For instance, i thought i wanted ice cream the other day. I love ice cream. I never turn down ice cream. I fixed some, had three or four bites and just couldn’t continue. I had to dump a whole coffee mug of mint chocolate chip down the drain. Who am i? Anything i can call to mind just doesn’t sound good. Not many things make my stomach turn, but nothing at all makes my mouth water either. On the rare occasion someone suggests something and i think, oh yeah – i want that! I have approximately 10 minutes to consume said food before it doesn’t sound good anymore. Typical i end up eating pretzel goldfish all day long. Because if i am not eating something every 15-20 minutes, I’m nauseous. Shout out to Care-Bear who works across the hall from me for acting like a 10-year old given $50 at a gas station before a road trip. She showed up with every sour candy ever made AND peanut butter m&m’s for me. You’re THE BEST. It’s all weird. I’m never totally satiated and full and I’m never actually hungry. Despite me reluctantly eating constantly, I’ve lost 5lbs since my transfer. And i can’t figure it out. Because all the things I’m putting into my body sure aren’t coming out. Because, constipation is real, friends. My pants protest all buttoning up activity. But it’s not because there’s a tiny blueberry in there. It’s because i can’t poop. I am consuming a ton of water and have started to supplement with coconut water. I purchased a vat a prunes. Pray for my gut.
And my waistline isn’t the only thing growing. While i can sort of still fit in my pre-transfer bras, i am cursed with the dreaded “quad-boob” if I’m not exhaling because they just don’t all fit in there. I finally broke down and ordered some maternity bras. I adore them. I really look forward to putting them on when i get home. I feel that i will have to invest in some actual bras with under wires soon that expand with my growing everything so i can still be work appropriate. But no bra is no option right now, even at home, because they are painful!! I’ve been told this will subside. Fingers crossed.
Other strange symptoms – my skin has changed drastically. I’ve struggle with cystic acne for a longgggg time. But my face has been completely clear and DRY! I have always been excessively oily. Like change your pillowcase every other day oily. But lately i have had to use some serious moisturizers to keep my face and skin from feeling tight and uncomfortable. But i have discovered slugging, which is amazing. At least 3 times a week i will wash my face and then coat it in aquaphor before i head to bed and i wake up glowing. Thankful for TikTok beauty influencers. I also smell everything. I haven’t been able to sleep in the bedroom because the new rug we installed is FOUL. The new rug smell is too much and that room is going to have to seriously air out. Thankful our couch is so comfortable and fits me plus all the dogs and cats.
Now, on to my picture tour of this past week.
Til next week.